I spoke to my sister today. Halfway through the call, I realized something had shifted.
It wasn’t just that she was tired or overwhelmed by the logistics of moving our 91-year-old mother. It was the sound of frustration creeping into her voice—the kind that comes when logic keeps failing and no one tells you why.
The Reality of the "Logic Gap"
My sister is our mother’s primary support person. She coordinates, problem-solves, and absorbs the emotional fallout. After months of driving 45 minutes each way for every need, she made the difficult, necessary decision to move Mom just seven minutes away.
It was the right decision. And still, dementia showed up anyway.
The Mind’s Attempt at Order
Mom has created small, strange habits—markers of a mind trying desperately to hold onto a sense of control:
- The Sharpie Mark: A wine bottle marked to track consumption.
- The Vanishing Notes: Carefully written reminders that are immediately lost.
- The Card Obsession: A growing urgency over a thank-you card that already exists a dozen times over.
When my sister found a dozen cards scattered in a dozen places, the situation tipped into chaos. Not because Mom was being difficult, but because logic no longer lives where we expect it to.
Why Reasoning No Longer Works
My sister could not comprehend why Mom would keep cards in twelve different places. She tried the "logical" approach: telling Mom she needed to keep them all in one spot.
That is never going to happen. Not anymore.
When logic diminishes, the person living with dementia isn't ignoring your advice—they are physically unable to process it. To maintain a connection, we must learn to suspend our own logic and communicate differently.
Three Tools for Connection: Validation, Redirection, and Reassurance
Instead of arguing facts, we can use specific communication techniques to lower the temperature and restore peace.
1. Validation: "I Hear You"
A validation response acknowledges the feeling behind the action without arguing the facts.
- Try saying:"You’re concerned you don’t have enough cards. That feels really important to you."
- Why it works: It acknowledges her concern without a reprimand for being disorganized.
2. Redirection: "Let’s Try This"
Redirection shifts focus toward a positive action without a direct "no."
- Try saying:"Before we look for more, can you help me look at these beautiful ones you’ve already finished?"
- Why it works: It pivots the energy away from the "search" and toward a shared moment.
3. Reassurance: "You Are Safe"
Often, the repetitive behavior is driven by an underlying sense of panic or urgency.
- Try saying:"You’re okay. You have everything you need right now. I’m right here with you."
- Why it works: It addresses the emotional need for safety, which logic can never satisfy.
The Caregiver's Perspective: Learning these skills is hard work. It requires a "beginner’s mind." You must let go of the need to explain things—even if they ask the same question ten times.
Finding Your Way Forward
They may not understand the "why" anymore, but they still understand the "how." They know how it feels to be heard, to be redirected with kindness, and to feel safe. What they are really seeking isn't a card or a note—it’s validation and connection.
A Note from the Author: I spent many years as a registered nurse caring for people living with dementia, and I know how hard it is when the person you love feels out of reach. If you are looking for more language to help find your way back to that connection, I invite you to explore more reflections and resources at Speaking With Care. We are here to offer steadiness when words feel hard to find.
