I watched an Instagram reel yesterday about a person with dementia who was sundowning.
In case you are new here, or to the world of dementia care, sundowning is a name for symptoms such as heightened confusion, anxiety, and agitation that often occurs late in the afternoon or early evening. Their inner sense of safety and reality slips away as daylight fades, turning familiar surroundings into the unfamiliar and overwhelming.
Back to the reel. In the person’s reality, the room they were standing in was not their home, and the people around them were not their family. They repeatedly, in a louder and more agitated manner, told their caregiver this was their truth. Can you imagine how distressful that may have felt?
Their caregiver appeared to remain where they were sitting, recording, and kept repeatedly correcting their reality. As the person with dementia stood their ground, the conversation became more heated.
I immediately felt that familiar frustration of a pattern so many caregivers fall into. But there was another subtle dynamic at play, too: instead of seeking connection with the person with dementia, the caregiver exerted control through correction by repeatedly stating it was their home, this was their family. It almost felt like, “Look at how wrong she is, and how right I am.”
I am not judging this caregiver. It is a completely natural response. Logic, habit, and fear push us to ground those we care for into OUR reality. We are naturally wired to say: If I just give them the facts, they’ll realize they are safe.
Except it never works that way.
Dementia disconnects the brain’s ability to process logic. Attempting to reason with someone who is experiencing an alternate reality simply won’t work.
Breaking our habit of responding with logic is incredibly hard. Overriding our wiring doesn’t come naturally to most of us. The good news? It’s a learned skill, not an innate instinct.
Many of the comments on the reel offered the standard advice: “Just don’t argue.”
But most caregivers already know that arguing doesn’t work. Telling someone not to argue only tells them what not to do. It leaves them standing there with nothing to say. And retreating into silence won’t help either of you feel connected.
So, what do you say?
When a person with dementia is sundowning, they aren’t searching for facts. They are searching for safety, belonging, and orientation. When we continuously correct them, it feels to them like being trapped in a reality where nobody believes a word they say.
When we apply the Soft Landing Method to the scenario in the video, the response shifts completely:
Validate: Acknowledge the feeling behind her words.
- “It feels strange being here right now, doesn’t it?”
- “You’re feeling like you need to get home.”
- “That must feel really unsettling.”
Reassure: Offer safety before logic.
- “I’m right here with you, and you are completely safe.”
Redirect: Pivot gently toward comfort.
- “Let’s get a warm cup of tea while we sit together for a minute.”
- “Come sit beside me and let’s watch this show together.”
Compassion in dementia care isn’t about giving up on reality. It’s about joining their reality so they don’t have to feel alone in it.
There is nothing to be won by proving your person wrong. It only fuels agitation, taking both of you down a road you want to avoid. True compassion comes from recognizing that their reality is different from yours, but feels entirely real to them. When you offer safety and connection instead of facts, you create a space where you can gently co-exist.
Have you ever caught yourself falling into the correction trap? How did you pivot, and what did it feel like to start changing your approach?